Alright, so way back on episode 111, I kind of told Rebecca and the audience about the Hobbit movies. For one of my recent fiction workshop class assignments I was asked to transcribe a story I told to a friend. I decided to choose this specific story. Please to enjoy my ridiculous piece. <3
“What’s the purpose of Smog?” Rebecca asked, her mouth full of cheesecake.
The four of us were sitting around the basement hanging out and recharging from the party we were at the night before. Kristal had brought us a cheesecake and was plating it. She offered some fresh strawberries to put on top. I was nursing a latte and was high strung about Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit trilogy. I felt insanely let down, but for some reason felt an allegiance to the story–probably because his Lord of the Rings trilogy is included in my list of favorite movies.
“Smaug,” I corrected, “is a dragon and he’s, uh, he kicked the dwar–”
“Spoilers!” Charity interrupted.
“This is all spoiling,” Kristal laughed.
“God dammit, this book has been out for, like, ever!” I yelled. “You’re all fine!!”
“He’s mean and he stole the gold,” Charity finished. “Alright, continue.”
I took a deep breath. “Alright. Yes, he stole all of the dwarves’ gold and kicked them out of their home and killed a lot of them as well.” I took a sip of my coffee before continuing. “He’s just like, ‘fuck you. I want this,’ and stuff so yeah…” I trailed off. “And then he has something kinda like the Tesseract–”
“Wait what?” Charity held a forkful of cheesecake in mid-air looking at me confused.
“The, uh, the little glow-y gem thing,” Kristal explained.
“Yep, yep.” I gave a thumbs up.
“Ohhh, right.” She took a bite.
“Alright. Um, like so,” Rebecca swallowed. “Why is Smaug in this adventure that Martin Freeman has to go on?”
“Because…” I paused thinking of the best way to word it. Rebecca has never been a fan of the Tolkein universe, so this is all new to her. “Okay! So, what happens is–”
“Tell me the Lord of the Rings.”
“No! No, stop! We are not doing this,” Charity set her plate on the table, in an act to say the conversation was finished. “For more information on the Lord of the Rings books you can go to your local library, Rebecca.”
Rebecca and Kristal laughed.
“HEY! I can tell you a little bit about The Hobbit,” I protested. I slammed my hand on the table. “It’s FINE!” I shrieked repeatedly, as they continued to laugh at my childish behavior. “God dammit,” I whined under my breath.
“We’re not going to do the Cliff’s Notes version of The Hobbit… Are we?” Charity looked around at everyone concerned.
“Well, I haven’t read it, and I want her to tell me about it,” Rebecca motioned to me.
“OKAY! We’ll do this. Really fast!’ I took a deep breath. “What happens is: the dwarves are kicked out of their home–killed–they like, they’re basically left to die because they’re not used to living outside of mines.” Kristal, Rebecca, and Charity continued to eat their cheesecake as I went on. “So, the son of the king–the prince–he has, uh, decided–”
“Yep, that’s what a king’s son is called,” Rebecca interjected. Everyone bust up laughing.
“GOD DAMMIT! STOP IT. IT’S FINE!” I shrieked, as they laughed harder.
I glared at them, fighting laughter but pretending to look tough, before I continued. “Okay, anyways. So, the prince decides that he’s gonna get back his home. ‘Fuck this nerd that stole it from my people.’”
“I like how the dragon is a nerd,” Charity giggled.
“So, Gandalf… Gandalf is like, ‘You know what, we only have NINE dwarves–’”
“‘We’ve only got, like, nine,’” Rebecca snickered.
“‘We only have nine dwarves, but we gotta, we gotta take down this fucking dragon.’” I took a sip of coffee again. “So, they got nine dwarves and a fuckin’ wizard that can’t really do too much. Like, he can light shit up. That’s about it–oh! And he has fireworks.”
“Is that–is that Gandalf?” Rebecca asked confused.
I nodded. “Gandalf, who doesn’t do much, remembers that hobbits are really sneaky motherfuckers because they don’t wear shoes.”
“So… What’s the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf?”
“Alright, dwarves are hairy on the rest of their body, but hobbits only have hairy feet. Dwarves are bigger. And they’re greedy. Um, hobbits are like little people. And they don’t like to do too much–”
“So they’re kinda like wizards…?” Rebecca looked at me and slowly took a bite of her cheesecake.
“Hobbits also like to just sit around and smoke pipes,” Kristal laughed.
“That’s right! Yeah, they like to just sit around and smoke pipe weed.” I snickered at this. “So gandalf decides their group needs one of these sneaky stoner motherfuckers.”
“And he’s also taking the king’s son, colon, the prince.”
“Yes!” I stuck my tongue out at her.
Charity interjected, “So recapping: this wizard-who-can’t-do-much decides their group needs one of these little dudes so they can get him stoned so that when they put him in front of a dragon he’ll think it’s no big deal.”
“YES! That’s exactly what happens. that’s what happens!!” I bounced up and down in my seat.
Rebecca looked around at us. “Um, so… that’s it?”
“I’m not done!”
“Of course you’re not! If you were done they wouldn’t need to be made into three movies!” Charity choked on her laughter
“Exactly!!!!!” I paused for a beat, gathering my thoughts. “Alright, so now we’re getting into some very important shit. So Gandalf finally, like, tricks Bilbo um into coming with them. And then–”
“And don’t forget about the part where they totally wreck his house!” Charity interrupted.
“I was getting there!” I shook my head, “Oh my god, that was like a 40 minute sequence in the movie, by the way. I’m not exaggerating. And there was a stupid song.” I groaned. “God dammit. This movie.” I shook my head again.
“There *was* a stupid song,” Kristal laughed.
“So… is this a musical?” Rebecca looked at me quizzically.
“No.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean there are songs in the series, but it’s not like a musical.”
“So dwarves are just sing-y people?”
“They are! So, anyways…” I trailed off for a second, trying to remember where I was. “So… They have to, um so… right! Bilbo has to go sneak in and steal back the little orb and get Smaug out of the mountain so the Dwarves can just take back their shit anddd that’s basically the end of the movie.”
It was silent for a moment before Rebecca asked, “…what’s an orb?”
“No, Rebecca, stop,” Charity slumped in her seat.
“IT’S LIKE THE TESSARACT!” I put my head down on the coffee table. “I thought I explained that.”
“Yeah, but what does it dooooo?” she pouted.
“It’s powerful and shit. I dunno.” I lifted my head back up. “You’ll have to watch the movie to find out.”
Rebecca groaned loudly.
“So they renamed the last hobbit movie?” She looked over at me, puzzled.
“Yeah, it was supposed to be called there and back again. They changed it to The Battle of the Five Armies.”
“So is this movie is gonna pick up after they beat Smaug and they’ll have a big war?” Charity asked.
I stood up, enraged. “NO! They haven’t even beaten Smaug yet! That hasn’t even happened!”
In unison, the three girls, shouted, “Spoilers!” before doubling over in giggles.
I sat down again, rolling my eyes.
“The second one just ends with him flying out–”
“To the dwarf village?” Kristal offered.
“No. They’re definitely humans in that village. Smaug is heading out to go wreck some shit out there. He’s got beef with the archer–what’s his name… But then, yes. after that we’ll get to the big war and stuff.” I slumped in my chair, putting my head in my hands. “I just hate these movies so much.”